Jed Wolf

My mother was one of the founding residents of Symphony St. Augustine. She’d been unable to take care of herself for 15 years and had lived in four different facilities in Connecticut. We moved to Florida and placed her in Symphony, where she lived for two years. She comfortably passed there two weeks ago.

At first we moved her so often because of fluctuations in the quality of her care. If during our visits, if we noticed things unhinged, rather than hope or wait for a change, we moved. Staff is everything. If they seemed inadequate, were gossiping or unfriendly, we made a complaint then prepared to move. But wherever we went, staff were the ones dealing with my mother daily, not us. We’ve learned a lot since.

At first it’s up to each family to understand how these places work. Families struggling with worry and guilt are unprepared. They feel wooed, scared, resent the price and often feel railroaded. I learned to avoid the sales pitch and gloss over the “options.” Symphony’s prices were comparatively affordable.

The fact is, dementia is a bear. Families used to having their loved ones take care of themselves must watch them become undignified and seemingly crazy. This is, and has always been the nature if the beast. Uncivilized behaviors accompany dementia and families must address this most difficult time differently. There will be lost possessions, wrestling matches with staff, incontinence and emotional outbursts. “Memory care” will become triage often. There’s no way around it. Staff will be stressed to the max. Caring for dementia is imperfect. Empathy is key, not just from staff to residents, but from family members to staff. Dementia should bring out the best in everyone including family, but when family members see what appears to be despair and chaos, they’re often too quick to blame facilities. They should know what’s important and let go of the past. Despair is part of the chaotic disease.

Never impressed by sales pitches when I toured new facilities, I let them know that I knew the bottom line. It’s up to families to educate themselves and not depend on sales staff who can say anything. Talk with other families with experience. Make sure there are options to move if necessary. Snoop around on your own and talk to staff. If marketing people won’t let you, move on. If staff are forthcoming, genuine and seem to have a calling for their jobs, bingo. Cleanliness is good. Spills and temporary disarray is inevitable, but decor is meaningless.

Senior care facilities often run by corporations, quickly become horror shows when financial considerations result in staffing problems. The number one responsibility of corporate should be to care for the village of dedicated staff it takes to manage people with dementia, but that’s rare. It’s up to families to demand answers, have options and not feel victimized. Families must do their homework then establish an honest rapport with their adopted “new family” taking responsibility for their loved one. If families educate themselves, they’ll know the lifestyle which was important before, won’t be for long. Families should not hand over the reigns until they feel secure by having frank conversations. Even then, families must accept that like anything else in life, things can change.

I met Tara in the parking lot of Symphony before it was finished. More important than her background, I could tell she had a calling. She was smart, enthusiastic and upfront about what she didn’t know. There was no pitch, just a real honest woman embarking on a journey. I’d had experience with other brand new places and knew that bright-eyed enthusiasm lasts about six months. That’s about the only guarantee in this business, but six months is a long time at 94, so we signed my mother up.

We’d toured other grander facilities in the area and were left speechless by the come on. The money spent on furniture, gardens, brochures and atrium lobby’s was staggering. Symphony seemed a manageable size and it’s focus on memory care was enough. Everyone we met in the new building stepped forward to meet us with a wide smile and soon my mother was living there.

As other residents moved in, everything was fine until after about six months, we began to notice staff seemingly preoccupied. I went to Tara to discuss my issues. She was upfront and spelled out the source of each issue with familiarity but rather than firing people, she let me know her plan. Within weeks, there were always positive changes.

Staff turnover is inevitable, but at Symphony, many of the original dedicated staff remain. Some have even returned, and with the brilliant new staffing additions, my mother in her last months, was surrounded by professional and loving attention day and night.

I have only good things to say about Symphony St. Augustine and highly recommend it. It truly is a family. Every family has problems but strong one’s work together to overcome them and provide the best care possible to their members in need.

Families are unaware that caring for parents with dementia will likely be the most grueling time in life. Inevitably heartbreaking, worrying about our parents with dementia is an unavoidable fact, which only the strongest of families can survive.

Thank you Tara and Anna and everyone, you know who you are, for your professionalism and compassion during our time in the trenches. You are a spectacular family. Keep it up.