Jed Wolf

Last winter’s freeze in Texas led to shutting down chemical plants that produce resin for fiberglass swimming pools, which led me to no longer selling them, which led me to non-stop writing 130 pages of a bleak memoir, which led me to quit writing it, which led me to searching for light, which led me to watching a dvd of a reality musical I wrote about transcending inner demons through creativity only to get laughed at on national television. The show was called “MEMEMEME A One Man Opera”

I’d been afraid to watch a video of my show for many years as my self-criticism was unbearable. Since abandoning my dreary memoir, I’ve begun writing about a time in my life which didn’t simply end in despair. In doing research, I had to face watching this show.

Girding my loins, this morning I watched a video of the entire thing. Apparently enough time has passed or my demons were asleep. Rather than hating myself and needing to stop the DVD imediatly as usual, I was moved to laughter and tears.

Writing a memoir by nature places me near the same childhood sources of cruelty and perfectionism which inspired and fueled MEMEMEME. However, I can’t just wax poetic about tragedy after tragedy. Even I couldn’t bare to re-read it. I had to find an “event” to hang my new memoir on, so I’ve decided to write about the making of this show and my musical life in general which results in something positive – as long as I don’t quit. Voila: an ending.

The lack of the my show’s “success” deeply wounded my ego and tricked me into quitting music all together which is what anyone’s inner demons always want. I hadn’t noticed I’d let them win by moving on from this and other creative endeavors for so long. I let moving to Florida and pretending I was okay being a swimming pool salesman take over. Other than a few FB posts and song parodies, I’ve done nothing significant since this show. My demons put an end to that. The dreary 130 pages drenched me with dark fuel and inspired me to write about light – what makes me enthusiastic – not the other way around.

I’m posting this Youtube trailer I made of that show, daring my demons to try and stop me knowing how much my self-care enrages them. I’ve experienced the most light in my life through bold creativity so fuck them. My inner darkness can fuel light. Abandoning self-expression leads to self destruction. As long as I don’t forget that, I’ll be fine.

Though never a commercial success, in searching for light in my life, the creation of this show shown the brightest, at least earlier today it did, so I’m writing about the love that went into it and how indifference leads to destruction. I can hear them waking. Make way you bastards. I’m back.